Little Ms. Quirky Social Worker: Barriers to Leaving

Friday, July 8, 2016

Barriers to Leaving, Part 2:Why doesn’t she just leave? A DV survivor gives possible reasons for staying

Her son was only 2 ½ when Sarah Buel, JD, clinical professor of law at Arizona State University, left her abusive husband. One day, before leaving, she saw her son slap his stuffed teddy bear across the face and tell him, “I told you not to ever say that!” Buel, horrified, could have sworn her son had never witnessed the abuse she had endured at the hands of her husband, but clearly, she told the State Bar of Arizona, he had. It was her wake-up call. “I had to get out of there.”

Today, after graduating cum laude from Harvard Law School and founding the Harvard Battered Women’s Advocacy Project, she works as a clinical professor of law at Arizona State University, and has worked with other survivors for the past 30 years.

When she left her abuser, she calls herself “extraordinarily blessed” for having a “loving, supportive mother that I could turn to. Many, many, many survivors have nobody.” A lack of any type of support system is just one reason why survivors might stay with an abuser. Buel compiled a list of 50 reasons why leaving an abusive partner is always much harder than just walking out the front door.

You can read the first 10 reasons in Part 1, here.

11. Pressure from family members. Family pressure is exerted by those who either believe that there is no excuse for leaving a marriage or have been duped into denial by the batterer’s charismatic behavior, says Buel.

12. Fear the abuser will retaliate. Survivors are often scared their abuser will retaliate, either toward them or their children, when they leave. Since the abuser has already carried out his threats of abuse in the past, a survivor will take seriously these new threats.

13. Fear of losing child custody. This fear, says Buel, can immobilize even the most determined abuse survivor. Abusers know nothing will devastate the survivor more than seeing his or her children endangered, so using the threat of custody becomes yet another weapon for the abuser, heightening his power and control tactics to further terrify the survivor.

14. Financial abuse. This can take many forms, depending on the couple’s socioeconomic status, but the batterer may control anything from access to all financial records, credit cards and bank accounts to convincing survivors they are incapable of making any financial decisions. Buel says survivors are sometimes forced to sign false tax returns or take part in other unlawful financial transactions as well, at which point, the abuser tells them they will face prison terms for their part in perpetuating a fraud if they tell someone. For free, online tools to help you become financially independent. Anyone can access and download the free training. There is a downloadable financial empowerment curriculum and career empowerment curriculum, as well as a series of short videos that coverings these financial basics:

Financial Planning Videos and Domestic Violence

15. Financial despair. A consequence of the above, many survivors who experience financial abuse may realize they are dependent on the abuser for all financial needs. The survivor may have to turn to an insufficient amount of welfare to provide for herself/himself and the children, and may be more likely to return to the abuser who promises financial security.

16. Gratitude. Survivors may feel a sense of gratitude toward the batterer because he has helped support and raise her children from a previous relationship. Or, the survivor may have a serious health problem through which the abuser has supported them. “You are so lucky I put up with you; certainly, nobody else would” is a common message abusers use to convince their victims no one else would want them.

17. Guilt. This is a common feeling among survivors whose abusers have convinced them that it is because of the survivor’s “incompetent” behavior that the abuse occurs.

18. Homelessness. Domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families. Homeless abuse survivors face increased danger as they struggle to meet basic survival needs while simultaneously attempting to elude their batterers.

19. Hope that the violence will end. A survivor’s hope of peace at home is often fueled by the abuser’s promises to change, pleas from children, some clergy member’s urgings to “just pray more,” a family’s pressure to save the relationship and other well-intentioned, but dangerously misguided counsel. Many survivors want so desperately to believe that their abuser will change, not realizing that without serious interventions, chances are slim the abuse will stop.

20. Isolation. Over time, abusers often cut off a survivor from communicating with their family, friends and colleagues. It’s a manipulation tactic that increases the likelihood a survivor will stay with the abuser. Without safety plans or reality checks, it’s more difficult for a survivor to assess his or her true level of danger. Living in a rural community can be another type of isolation barrier a survivor can face.

What barrier did you come up against when you thought about leaving your abuser?

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Barriers to Leaving, Part 1

Law professor and DV survivor says there are at least 50 reasons a survivor may not be able to leave an abuser

Sarah Buel, JD, clinical professor of law at Arizona State University, has worked for more than 30 years with domestic violence survivors and their children. She’s also a domestic violence survivor herself, having escaped an abusive husband with her young son many years prior. Now an adult, he runs a Teen Dating Violence Intervention Program in Boston.

Buel defied the stereotype of a “battered woman.” She was a Harvard law student when she was with her abusive husband. She says people asked her how she could get a full scholarship to Harvard but stay with an abusive man for three years. “This question has been fueled by those who believe that remaining with a batterer indicates stupidity, masochism or codependence,” she told The Colorado Lawyer. “Far from being accurate, such labels prove dangerous to victims because they tend to absolve batterers of responsibility for their crimes.”

There is nothing survivors can do to stop the violence, Buel says, nor is there anything they do to deserve abuse. From her three decades of experience, she complied a list of 50 reasons why she’s seen survivors stay with their abusers, reasons Buel says “must be understood by lawyers, judges and the legal community if they are to stem the tide of homicides, assaults and other abusive behavior.”
Below, the first 10 reasons.

1. Lack of an advocate. When the survivor doesn’t have a tenacious advocate, he or she often feels intimidated, discouraged and ultimately hopeless about being able to navigate the complex legal and social service systems needed to escape his or her abuser.

2. Abuser’s influence. If the abuser is wealthy, a politician, famous, a popular athlete or otherwise a powerful player in his or her community, he or she can generally afford to hire private counsel and pressure the decision-makers to view the case with more leniency. Some wealthy abusers not only hire private detectives to stalk, terrorize and frivolously sue their partners, they do the same to the advocates who assist their victims.

3. Threats. The survivor’s life and the life of his or her children are often threatened by the abuser if the survivor attempts to leave. Statistics show survivors are more likely to be killed when attempting to leave an abusive partner than at any other time. It’s dangerous to advise a survivor to simply leave without ensuring there is an extensive safety plan in place.

4. Children’s best interest. Some survivors believe it is in the children’s best interest to have both parents in the home, particularly if the abuser does not physically assault the children.

5. Pressure from children. Children putting pressure on the abused parent can be quite compelling, especially with those abusers who are manipulate the children into begging the survivor to “just let daddy come home.” Children are often torn, wanting the violence to stop but also wanting the family to stay together. Read more about childhood domestic violence in “When Children Witness Violence.”

6. Cultural and racial defenses. Cultural defenses may be used by both offenders and survivors to justify abuse. Some people conform to common stereotypes about their own or other cultures, but the bottom line is that domestic violence is against the law, regardless of what behavior is permitted in the “home” country or what may be sanctioned here in various communities.

7. Denial. Some victims are in denial about how dangerous their abuser may be, believing that if they could be better partners, the abuse would stop.

8. Disabilities. Survivors who are disabled or physically challenged may face greater obstacles, not only in gaining access to the court and social services, but also to basic information about existing resources as they are more likely to be more isolated from these options.

9. Elderly. Senior survivors tend to hold traditional beliefs about marriage. They believe they must stay, even in the face of abuse. Others are dependent on the batterer for care and finances and may be more afraid of being placed in a nursing home or having no one to assist them than remaining with an abuser.

10. Abuser’s excuses. A survivor may believe the abuser’s excuses to justify the violence, often blaming job stress or substance abuse, in part because the survivor sees no one holding the offender responsible for his or her crimes. Domestic violence is not caused by stress, alcohol or any other substance abuse, although these things can exacerbate the problem. Most individuals, when under stress or the influence of alcohol or drugs, do not batter their partners.
The next 10 barriers from Buel’s list of 50 will appear in Part 2 of this series.